A
fond memory I have was being a child and celebrating St.
Patrick's Day. This was an excellent day because I could
finally pinch people who I hated. To those not familiar
with school-children tradition, if you don't wear green
on St. Patrick's Day you are subjected to painful pinching
and groping by your peers. Sadly now that my peers have
matured such actions are no longer allowed, (trust me I've
tried and man can those ladies scream.).
However
amidst the rape and drunken rampages that represent St.
Patrick's Day, a lot of people forget the Holiday's noble
past and heritage. There is in fact, a nation where this
bold Holiday was born, a nation that's overcome trial after
trial and still stands strong to this day, that's right,
I am referring to the nation of the Leprechauns.
Originally
thought to be a myth, the Leprechauns are a stern and industrious
race that are busy protecting their marshmallow littered
cereal, and their pots of gold. As a child I was taught
that these Leprechauns were cute and fun, perhaps led to
believe this by Cereal commercials portraying that one gay
Leprechaun who could always show this kids how stupid they
were by keeping Lucky Charms from them. But upon watching
a show later in my life entitled "Leprechaun"
I soon learned that Leprechauns were no more than midgets
dressed in green who would attempt to kill you even if you
had done nothing wrong.
So obviously,
you don't want to be murdered by a Leprechaun, so how does
one avoid a tragedy like this? Here's a couple ideas.
Sleep
in your closet, so that when a Leprechaun jumps onto your
bed to kill you, you can
jump out of the closet and scare him. Plus then you'll always
have a funny joke to tell about you coming out of the closet.
Fill
your room with Marshmallow Mateys, this bastard cereal which
is just Lucky Charms in a plastic sack will attract more
Pirates than Leprechauns.
If you
have an oversized box, something you got from a new TV or
Fridge, try filling it with gold, now you have your very
own Leprechaun trap, or a fun fort.
Put
a wig on your dog and hope that people will just suspect
you of not shaving recently.
If none
of the above works you're shit out of luck, and you will
most likely be killed by a Leprechaun sometime between now
and the year 2078.
So,
I know we've all had a lot of fun today, but we all need
to tip our hats to the irish, whose drunken antics have
inspired one crazy holiday. And to any young children reading
this: "What the hell is wrong with you? Read something
more wholesome." But more importantly our youth need
to enjoy St. Patrick's Day, it may be the last time you
put your hand near the opposite sex without going to court.
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