Recently the sound on my computer had become grossly outdated. The company that makes the card Intel shoves into it's chipset was gone, preventing me from updating my card to something slightly above crap, so it was up to me to venture from my home to Circuit City, a challenging mission in itself as the roads are filled with the elderly and the extremely pissed off. Upon arrival I would proceed to purchase a new sound card. Being the cheap fig-newton I am, I got the cheapest one in existence, I figured anything would be better than my built in piece of crap, but lo and behold it was actually worse. So upon returning I figured why suffer the same problem twice and I shelled out 70 bucks for some whacked out state of the art sound card with lasers, explosions, and what-not.

Now 70 dollars is a lot to me, that could buy me half of a hooker. HALF! So this had better be the best damn sound card ever, people need to integrate new features into a sound card, it should make me coffee when I wake up and spill it on me if I can't get out of bed. Nothing wakes you up like a severe burn. The point is I got a game bundled with the card, to make it seem like less of a rip-off. What game you ask? Why, a lovely little title known as Hitman 2: Silent Assassin.

To those uninitiated to the world of Silent Assassin essentially, you are a Hitman, your job is to kill people. You can use many tactics including turning incredibly slow, wearing other people's clothes, and of course shooting naked guys in the shower, on the john, and many other exciting anti-erotic places.

Now inherently I am crappy at video games. I can learn quite well, but for the first week or so of playing a game I'm completely terrible. Hitman was no exception, here's a rundown of the first mission.

My job is to kill a mobster who's in his mansion. Now the game promotes stealth, and gives me a heavy hint during the start of the level as I see a Mailman holding flowers and walking to the rather far away front gate. So it's seems obvious to me. I kill the Mailman, disguise myself as him, then mosey through the front door with some flowers. So I walk towards the front gate with a friendly hello, and the bastard guards start capping me. Who the hell shoots the mailman for no reason?

Nameless Guard 1: Oh hello Mr. Mail-Carrier.
Mailman: Hello nameless guard 1.
Nameless Guard 1: Say your package seems to be ticking.
Mailman: Yes it is filled with C4.
Nameless Guard 1: Perhaps I should shoot you.
Mailman: Yes I suppose you should.

Becoming frustrated I run to the side of the house where I see a man carrying milk cartons to his truck. I quickly choke him and steal his clothing. As I walk inside the area the milkman had previously been I was greeted by the resident guards with hostility.

Nameless Guard 2: Oh hello Mr. Milkman.
Milkman: Hello.
Nameless Guard 2: Where is your milk?
Milkman: I am a very poor milkman and only have this shotgun.
Nameless Guard 2: Oh dear it would seem I have been outsmarted.
Milkman: Fear not I have no shells.
Nameless Guard 2: Hooray, beers for all!

So several gunshot wounds and a game over later I'm back to the drawing board. I figure stealth isn't gonna work out here as everyone is more sly than me and the most obvious answer is wrong 99.9% of the time. Thus my plan this time is to equip something automatic and run through the side door. Great plan, many corpses later I have completed the mission in my own clothes.

Sadly at this point I have given up all chances of using my brain and settled down to blast anyone who gets in my way into space. I haven't played the game after the first level though since my dog took a nice bite out of the CD.

Nameless Guard 3: Oh hello Mysterious Carpenter, why are you here?
Mysterious Carpenter: Just here to lay some carpet.
Nameless Guard 3: But we didn't order any carpet....
DUN DUN DUN!!!!!

DUN DUN DUN!