Believe
it or not, I am often a saught after man. My email inbox
is consistently filled with requests, and pleas for help
from unfortunate souls in unfortunate situations. Other
times they're in no direct danger, they just wonder if they're
normal, in many cases if you have to wonder if you're normal
you're probably not. As a matter of fact you're probably
inconceivably strange beyond the imagination of any ordinary
man. But anyway, here's just a few samples of the kind of
questions I receive.
Dear Vince:
 Do
not be alarmed, I am communicating with you psychically.
Moments ago I was on a plane, but it has crashed on a desert
isle and I appear to be the only survivor. I may be stuck
here a while, so I need some advice. Should I kill me, hollow
me out, and live in me? Also, should I befriend a rock and
have a heartfelt adventure, in hopes of attracting film
makers?
- StarmanDX
Dear StarmanDX:
The "American" thing to do would be to capitalize
on this as much as possible. Even if life isn't that bad
you should make it seem like it's as horrible as possible.
Eat your fellow plane passengers even if there's a steady
supply of rations, knit their skin into a fine blanket for
shelter, even if there's a beach vacation resort just down
the coast. Everyone has sympathy for a cannibal.
Dear Vince:
 My
private areas are oozing glowing liquid. The doctor says
I'll die, but I think he's full of crap. What should I do?
- Dingo
If there's one thing Doctor's
do it's lie. They will make up illnesses that you do not
have so that you have to keep coming back for more treatments.
The Doctor is a business man akin to the mechanic, they
don't want to help you, they want to just take your money.
Just take a lot of NyQuil and you'll forget you were having
trouble in the first place.
Dear Vince:
 It
itches, should I pick at it?
- Breaker
Certainly, many infections
occur because you give your wounds a proper chance to heal.
Pick that sucker till it spews forth blood. Just don't eat
any of it. But if you do film it and send it to me so I
can put it on the internet. You could be a star buddy.
Dear Vince:
 My
roommate keeps eating my food, what should I do?
- Spot
Dear Spot:
I would recommend drawing him a cold bath, and enticing
him to get in by whatever means necessary. Once he's in,
it's organ harvesting time. That + Ebay will pay the bills
better than any "job" he could have had before.
Dear Vince:
 I
work at the local mall, in the food court. Yesterday the
girl I like who works across the court in the Korean Cuisine
booth, overheard me mentioning how much I liked her to my
friend Carl. Now she won't talk to me, what could I do to
convince her to reciprocate my love.
- Bill
Dear Bill:
Sounds like it's time to move to Beverly Hills you stupid
cry baby. Why don't you get a guitar and sing about how
sad you are, chicks dig that kind of stuff. Rent a movie
and cry during it, they like that too. I recommend "2
Fast 2 Furious". I cried several times during that
movie, partially because the "eject and burn this piece
of shit DVD" button on my remote was broken.
Dear Vince:
 Today
I was watching jerry springer, on it the husband of a supposedly
nice woman decided he didn't want her and that he wasn't
attracted to her anymore. But why else would he be on Jerry
Springer if there wasn't a twist? He had actually been sleeping
with her brother. Neither of them were gay until they met
each other. It happened on a hunting trip. When she had
the opportunity to ask how it happened, Jerry piped in saying
"They went hunting. Its a long story." I laughed
my ass off because of how short a story it actually was.
So I ask you, is it wrong to want to see more people's lives
ruined like this?
- Sam
Dear Sam:
Of course it's wrong, you're going to burn in hell for this.
To be honest I only read the first and last sentence of
your particular email because it was too long. This has
been a common practice in my life. I once got a C on a book
report I did about Lance Armstrong that I based entirely
on the first and last page.
So yeah, if you are in a compromising and possibly sexy
situation feel free to ask my advice at vince401@hotmail.com.
But if you do ask my advice please make the subject line
"hot mamas 24/7" that way I won't get it mixed
up with the junk mail.
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