Yes I know what everyone was expecting from this, an envigorating discussion on grapes and why we need them for our culture's to survive. And as much as I hate to dissapoint, this article will have very little to do with grapes, however I will supply you with several pictures of them as we go. (Don't forget to hover your mouse over the pictures for rousing captions by the guy locked in my basement.)

But no, this article is an exposure, you all probably remember telling secrets in grade school, to little Timmy or Becky or Kelly or whatever the hell some parents decided to name the kid who got stuck being your friend. You'd look him/her in the eye and make them promise not to tell a certain secret. And before you knew it the next day half the school somehow knew about how your mom accidentally made you a princess costume for halloween forgetting that you were a boy, unless of course you're a girl in which case there's no problem. But for a boy this is life shattering, especially if your mom ran out of thread and you were forced to dance around your elementary school halls dressed as princess jasmine instead of some sort of pirate or other hooked creature. Not that this author speaks from experience or anything........I'm just sayin...stuff like this happens.

So anyways back to the real point, Timmy is a liar, a pathetic worm devouring squiggling liar and he got away with ruining your life, your halloween, and possibly your sexuality. What's fitting punishment for a person such as this? What exactly qualifies as fair? Chances are you resorted to kicking little Timmy in the groin with very non-erotic consequences.

The point is, people don't change forty years after 6th grade, you could tell little Timmy today about how you got your cat drunk and it attacked and killed your landlords husband, and he'd probably head off to some bar or trash hall and tell anyone who wanted to hear a rousing tale. Once again NOT speaking from experience.

Now while the events partaking in this article seem unrelated and focus on some fictional person named Timmy, they are all chained together in a sickening bond. And it all leads up to the moral I'm about to reveal to you.

Don't trust your friends.

They are not your friends. Pure and simple, and trusting them with your secrets is probably the worst idea since Rush Hour 3: The Musical™. People just love to gossip more than they love grapes. And that's why they use the vine to spread their sickening fruit of blackmail. See that's a good analogy there isn't it? You know you enjoyed it.

So how do you defend yourself? It's simple really, you must ensnare your friends in your own web of deceit and lies. Tell them fake things about yourself, or better yet about other people, that's bound to get them asking up on other people. So while your blabby buddies are out bothering hank about his Facial Hernia, you can simply sit back and enjoy the quiet happy life. After all, that's why we're on this earth, to betray our friends. This is Vince401 and Hank, saying good night.