It's
2005, and nowadays Valentine's Day is much more than handing
out roses, and even more than having gazelles attack. Gazelles
are sooo 2004. It is well-known that after George's little
accident with them, the gazelles didn't get paid for their
Valentine's Day evil-doings, and eventually they went on
strike. So when the power of animals can no longer do evil,
they sent the next best thing: robots. There are a few advantages
that robots have. For one, they are efficient. They never
tire, they only need new batteries every now and then. Of
course, batteries are expensive. Some of them even have
shitty battery life.
Robots lurk in the shadows. You can't see them. They
prefer to strike only during Valentine's Day. For those
of you who don't know, Valentine was a saint, or something.
Robots, being ungodly satanic machines made by the hands
of men who masturbate too much, find that it is very important
to kill saints. The best thing to remember here is not
to dress up like a saint on Valentine's Day. Also, don't
kiss anyone. Robots don't like kissing. Kissing is irrelevant.
Don't hug anyone either. In fact, don't look at anyone.
Not even your own mother (not that she wants to see you
anyways).
It's time to learn by example. This year, it's estimated
that 340,000 people will die from rabid robot bites of
the 500,000 who are estimated to be bitten. That number
though is only of the estimated 1,200,000 who will witness
someone being bitten by robots, of the 4,000,000 who know
full well that they exist but may not have seen anything
this year. As with the gazelles, robots do have weaknesses,
and you'd do well to exploit them. Let's go over the list
of Do's and Don'ts.
DO:
1) Wear a TV on your head to blend in with the robots
if you decide to leave the house.
2) Shout "Danger! Danger!" for the reason above.
3) Lock your doors. After locking them, barricade them
with sandwiches. Robots don't like human food.
DON'T:
1) Use any electrical devices or anything that makes noise.
Robots can hear your toilet flushing from three blocks
away, so don't use the bathroom either. Hold it until
Valentine's Day is over.
2) Look around the corner of a building at a robot. Sneaky
activity makes robots enter red-eyes mode. When a robot's
eyes turn red, that means something is going to get blown
up.
3) Tell a robot he has no feelings. Nothing makes a robot
more sad (and then, mad) than saying he has no feelings.
Just look at Johnny 5. He's alive.
So we have the dangers of robots on Valentine's Day out
of the way. But you know, there are more things robots
like to turn to disaster. Robots hate black people, for
instance. In fact, it's believed that 98% of all slave
owners were robots. This is not at all far-fetched, since
it is also believed that back then, robots ran on cotton
fuel, and so, it made sense that robots would want to
own cotton plantations. The bottom line is, keep your
fruit-of-the-looms away from old-school robots, and if
you're black, go white-face for Valentine's Day, and follow
all the rules above. Happy living, and don't get bitten,
lest ye want to turn into a robot too.
