The children are our future. The saying
is so old that to many it's lost all meaning.
But even in these modern times, with our rocket cars,
and hi-tech toasters, the statement still rings true.
Despite the fact that children are the future, we continue
to ignore them. Children's books are just flat out getting
awful. I hadn't noticed, obviously since I hadn't read
a children's book in quite some time, but recently I thumbed
through a book called Song Quest.
What the hell are authors doing? I could
write a better children's book with my hands cut off and
my eyes gouged out. Authors aren't even trying anymore,
here's an honest to god real excerpt from the back of
Song Quest which is a summary of another book by an author.
When Natalie finds a glimmering
candy wrapper in a parking lot
puddle, she simply cannot resist picking it up. Suddenly,
out of nowhere, an ominous, yellow-eyed man
appears and informs her that it's a spell. Soon a bewitching
tale of kidnapping and sorcery unfolds.
- Spellfall by Katherine Roberts
WOW, now that is a book that deserves
my money. If that isn't the most original idea I have
ever heard then what is. That's why I've decided to begin
writing children's books. After all if Katherine Roberts
and that Rowling lady can get away with poisoning our
children's minds with predictable and unexciting dribble,
so help me god I can too, here's a short summary of my
new series that I like to call: Elmer's Adventures
Book 1: Quest For The Golden Glue Gun
As Katherine roberts has demonstrated,
taking everyday items and throwing them
into a book automatically makes you a children's author.
In this exciting episode we meet Elmer, the mascot for
a famous glue company. One day Elmer touches a Glue Gun
and is transported to another world, because it's only
natural that touching something is gonna transport you
somewhere. In this mystical land, he meets friends and
enemies. Now he finds out that in order to return home
he must find a mystic Glue Gun, which may or may not exist.
Book 2: The Baguette Adventures
One day Elmer touches a Baguette (french
bread) and is transported to another world. In this mystical
land, he meets friends and enemies. Now he finds out that
in order to return home he must find a mystic Baker, which
may or may not exist, but if it does exist it will surely
help to get him home. This will teach kids the importance
of not watching pornography.
Book 3: The Perilous Pipes
While working on the pipes in his own
apartment Elmer learns the value of hiring a professional
plumber when he touches the wrong pipe and winds up being...get
this....transported to another world. Eventually Elmer
comes to realize that to get home he needs to rescue a
princess AND hire a licensed plumber. This book will get
high praise from both plumbers and building inspectors.
Book 4: The Ham Sandwich Of Doom
One day while making a Ham sandwich, Elmer
decides to walk on the wild side and put mayonnaise on
his sandwich, WITH mustard. However the mayonnaise that
Elmer uses isn't just expired, it's also......MAGIC. Before
Edward, oh shit I mean Elmer, knows it he is transported
to ANOTHER DIMENSION. Luckily he meets a group of attractive
teenagers who are ready to help him defeat the ultimate
evil, and drive Elmer to the store to get some fresh Miracle
Whip. You can totally tell Miracle Whip will go for this
one, anything to make Mayo look bad.
So you get the point, I could write crap
like that, and become moderately successful. As long as
there's magic people will want it. Holy crap a magic order
of chopped bacon that turns salads into people, I MUST
READ ABOUT IT.
This is why I'm glad I'll be dead before
the generation after me comes into power.
Future President: Quick lets invade Mexico
and take all their candy until we find the magical piece
that will transport us into another world. Better yet,
let's wait for a comet to fly overheard and kill ourselves.
Good call Mr. President.
