Back
in the 50's the world was a different place, couples commonly
stayed married longer
than 3 years and children's minds had not been warped by
television and movies in the same way they have today. Children
also felt good about their self image back then and had
nothing to aspire to other than being their own person.
Luckily with the dawn of a modern age came a young doll
bombshell named Barbie. Barbie had it all, looks, a car,
a handsome tennis playing boyfriend, and most importantly
a plastic head filled with nothing but air. It didn't take
long for Barbie to bitch-slap children's self esteem down
to nothing.
Barbie
could do anything with style. It didn't matter whether the
double d-cupped gal was rummaging through the local dump
with a bunch of hobos or sleeping in a garbage can at night,
nothing could smudge the star's looks. And so all children
girl or the occasional boy, began to strive to become like
Barbie.
Fast
forward to today, Barbie has weeded her way into nearly
every aspect of society, Barbie Lunch pails and Video Games
inhabit nearly every store. She has ravaged the local mall
in the same way an Ill Tempered German Shepherd would ravage
small and unprotected orphans.
How
I came into contact with a Barbie video game is still a
mystery to me, after several straight nights of binge drinking
I merely awoke with a cd labeled"FBI Cover ups"
which just turned out to be the new Justin Timberlake CD,
and a Barbie video game in my Playstation. While this leads
me to wonder what my activities for those previous days
were even my seemingly missing kidney seemed less important
than playing this Barbie video game.
 So,
it seems a shame to play through a game and not give it
a fair review. While I can't remember the title of said
game I'm quite sure it involved treasure. One would expect
a game about a woman with a large chest and a high school
diploma to be about finding a rich husband or baking cookies
for the local PTA, but those people are dead wrong. It seems
that Barbie has been attending night school or something
and has obtained a rather Indiana Jones-esque knowledge
of artifacts and other worthless trinkets. Once restricted
to hair accessories Barbie is now a full fledged Archeologist
after some whacky golden idol.
One
thing noticeable from the start is the games attempt to
set a story. After an introductory movie straight from Raiders
Of The Lost Ark that made very little sense I was still
gratified by the fact that the developers were trying to
give Barbie a clear reason to be running around looting
ancient corpses.
*Fun
Fact* This game contains no actual corpses, not even Barbie's.
As per
the fun fact it should be noted that Barbie is not capable
of dying. When running up a hill with logs and mysterious
animals rolling down towards you, you would expect the average
person to die, yes Barbie prevails. No matter how many times
I mercilessly threw Barbie from a cliff she simply reappeared
ready to take more punishment. I also noted that Barbie
is not capable of walking on grass, it would seem to the
average person that if logs are rolling down a path towards
you, you could always step onto the grass and walk around
the path, but that's not how Barbie does things, the grass
must be made of tiny snakes, or even worse Goblins. I hate
Goblin Grass very much.
Another
notable item is the extreme variety in the game. If Barbie
is not running up a hill in the forest with logs rolling
towards her, she is no doubt running up a snowy hill on
a mountain with a yeti hurling snow balls at her.
Sadly
I never found out what Barbie hoped to accomplish by running
straight at a Yeti, perhaps she planned to share some malt
liquor with him and trade stories, or maybe get her head
torn off and eaten. Either way it was at this point that
the Playstation malfunctioned and exploded ejecting hot
metal into my eyes. This severe burning/blinding was still
a pleasure to my eyes when compared to watching Barbie flex
her ample buttocks while dodging gnomes rolling towards
her.
All
in all, if there's one thing Barbie has taught me it's that
ANYONE can be a god-like immortal treasure hunter. Now I'm
off to find an idol and run straight at Yetis.
|
