I've
known it from the very beginning of my life, every small
inkling in my body told me it. Every bit of my blood boiled
at the name, it was the sole thing that I would rather see
dead and splattered on the ground than near me.
Fish.
Fish
never struck me as an ideal pet, you can't take them out
and play with them, the  slightest
change to their atmosphere can and often will kill them.
Got a new couch, oh the fish don't like the color, and now
they're dead, good work you lame ass. A little nephew came
over and tapped the glass lightly, now your fish are dead.
You stick a big T-Bone steak in the tank for them to enjoy,
your fish are dead. What the hell can you do with fish?
If dogs died that easy the world would be filled with crying
children everywhere.
Father: NO LITTLE TIMMY DON'T GIVE ROVER
THAT BONE!
Child: Daddy why is Rover lying upside down?
Father: *Proceeds to flush dog down toilet with the aid
of plunger and liquid plumber*
So now that my love of fish has been expressed
it's time to learn of an odd twist of fate in my life. Now
I'm not complaining to have a job handed to me, I didn't
have to do much to apply (since my dad knows the boss from
High School) and I make pretty good money. But unfortunately
with that money comes one dreadful thing, FISH. I have to
scrub fish tanks and generally take care of them at a local
pet store.
There is a set of ground rules to go with
this though, I may not
A) Eat the fish.
B) Feed fish to other fish.
C) Read the fish stories.
Doesn't
sound so bad does it? Well there's a little bit more of
a catch. The store has  plenty
of poisonous fish. Thus when vigorously scrubbing the tanks
you have to watch for these fish which like to sting you
and send you to the hospital. The problem in itself is knowing
which fish these are. On several occasions I've learned
a fish is poisonous from someone right as I've already shoved
my hand in their tank and have begun to rustle around shuffling
sand to it's proper place and feeling around to my lost
handful of quarters. My particular favorite moment was when
I was cleaning a bottom row of tanks and one of the girls
who works there walked by. Our conversation went something
like this:
Girl:
You know about the poisonous fish down there right?
Me: No.
Girl: Oh.....well he's down there somewhere...don't touch
him or you'll die.
Me: Umm....ok...
Girl: Bye.
I love
working and all, but I pray to god and allah everyday that
some poor sap will come get hired and get suckered into
doing fish so I can get promoted to something cute and cuddly.
Because right now I'm going insane.
Some people believe that when you die you
create your own heaven. But I can surely tell you right
now that my heaven would in fact be a fiery pit where water
is nowhere and fish are everwhere, roasting and dying in
a glorious and delicious barbecue. Because when fish are
dead, everyone is happy.
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