It
seems nowadays everyone has their own business. Be it selling
10 year old Crystal Pepsi on eBay, or creating software
that allows complete idiots to make computers do extraordinary
things, like catch fire.
So,
everyone is making money, probably everyone except you.
Now clearly you are now wondering "Why am I so poor
and lame?", well my friend it is because you are simply
not involved enough in the technological world that is advertising.
Advertising is such a simple premise, any old moron can
get on TV and surf while drinking cola and playing an electric
guitar with their feet. And crap like that sells.
However
in order to understand how to create a successful commercial,
you must first study pre-made commercials.
Example
1: Baby Who Needs Diapers
Babies
are troublesome little scamps, but when they're not pulling
pots of boiling hot  water
off the stove and onto their sensitive skin, they are no
doubt wetting themselves. It is estimated that babies wet
themselves often, the actual numbers are so astronomical
that NASA would break down and cry if asked to configure
it. So of course, it is up to you, to find the most absorbant
diaper out there. Commercials lead us to believe that you
can discover this by dumping blue water on the diaper. Blue
water always solves problems, and commercials prove it.
Forget taping Bounty paper towels to your childs groin,
diapers are in town.
Example
2: McDonalds = Fun + Food Borne Illness
Fast
food commercials are never accurate. How often have you
seen the food look the way it does on TV? How often have
you seen families sitting together smiling like complete
idiots. You haven't and you never will. But as said before,
IT SELLS. If you pretend to be happy on TV you will have
so much money you will need to buy a new house to hold it
all in, and when you play loud music and the police come
you can just open the window and the cops bribe money will
just fall onto them. Think of their smiling faces as money
falls onto them from above.
Example
3: Women And Painful Feminine Itch
In the
world of painful feminine itch, beaches are always involved,
painful burning must  have
something to do with beaches because everyone's walkin on
a beach these days. Thus beaches apparently cause or cure
burning in the netheregions. This commercial format can
also be used for Menopause, Dating Services, and Tire Rotation
Kits. Simply replace "You feel pain." to "You
feel impotent and cramped." or "You feel like
you need your tires rotated fast."
Example
4: Cars
Car
commercials are also rampant in todays society. The commercials
always show people happier than you are. Driving past other
crappy cars that fall apart and laughing and throwing tomatoes
at the owner of the crappy car. Everyone is happier than
you and no-one is contemplating suicide.
Example
5: Girls Gone Wild
They're
girls, and they've gone wild. Here's a wild sorority party
that you can watch, and never be a part of. Fortunately
the commercials trick you into thinking you can be popular,
with clever grab words like "awesome, bodacious, and
orgy-tastic. (which may or may not be a real word)"
So as
you can see, it's a vast world of babies wetting themselves,
fast cars, and sex. And you are a part of none of it. If
animals ever tell you to kill yourself and you think you're
just hallucinating, you are probably wrong.
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