A BRIEF HISTORY OF ST. PATRICKS DAY

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A BRIEF HISTORY OF ST. PATRICKS DAY A Brief History of St. Patricks Day
By Vince401

A fond memory I have was being a child and celebrating St. Patrick's Day. This was an excellent day because I could finally pinch people who I hated. To those not familiar with school-children tradition, if you don't wear green on St. Patrick's Day you are subjected to painful pinching and groping by your peers. Sadly now that my peers have matured such actions are no longer allowed, (trust me I've tried and man can those ladies scream.).

However amidst the rape and drunken rampages that represent St. Patrick's Day, a lot of people forget the Holiday's noble past and heritage. There is in fact, a nation where this bold Holiday was born, a nation that's overcome trial after trial and still stands strong to this day, that's right, I am referring to the nation of the Leprechauns.
Originally thought to be a myth, the Leprechauns are a stern and industrious race that are busy protecting their marshmallow littered cereal, and their pots of gold. As a child I was taught that these Leprechauns were cute and fun, perhaps led to believe this by Cereal commercials portraying that one gay Leprechaun who could always show this kids how stupid they were by keeping Lucky Charms from them. But upon watching a show later in my life entitled "Leprechaun" I soon learned that Leprechauns were no more than midgets dressed in green who would attempt to kill you even if you had done nothing wrong.

So obviously, you don't want to be murdered by a Leprechaun, so how does one avoid a tragedy like this? Here's a couple ideas.

Sleep in your closet, so that when a Leprechaun jumps onto your bed to kill you, you can jump out of the closet and scare him. Plus then you'll always have a funny joke to tell about you coming out of the closet.

Fill your room with Marshmallow Mateys, this bastard cereal which is just Lucky Charms in a plastic sack will attract more Pirates than Leprechauns.

If you have an oversized box, something you got from a new TV or Fridge, try filling it with gold, now you have your very own Leprechaun trap, or a fun fort.

Put a wig on your dog and hope that people will just suspect you of not shaving recently.

If none of the above works you're shit out of luck, and you will most likely be killed by a Leprechaun sometime between now and the year 2078.

So, I know we've all had a lot of fun today, but we all need to tip our hats to the irish, whose drunken antics have inspired one crazy holiday. And to any young children reading this: "What the hell is wrong with you? Read something more wholesome." But more importantly our youth need to enjoy St. Patrick's Day, it may be the last time you put your hand near the opposite sex without going to court.