However in these tempestuous times we live in, Viruses and Spyware run rampant through the virtual forest of illegal ROMs and pornography that we call the internet. Now most people don't think twice about signing onto the web without the proper protection, but before you even get involved in complicated things like Firewalls and Birth Control you should first learn some of these handy tricks to help prevent Spyware and Viruses from bending you over like the little bitch you are, just follow these 5 easy steps.

1. Don't be a god damn moron.

If you receive an email with an attachment, even if it's from someone you know, it's probably a virus! Unless it specifically states otherwise.

In these high tech industrial times we live in you will most likely be prompted to change the file's extension to an .exe, these are good instructions provided that you believe you have been sent a legitimate program like Kazaa or the Hot Bar!

That one is much better.

2. Exclamation points emphasize your point!

And some would consider using the word point twice in that sentence redundant!

3. Dr. Phil™ will save you!

It seems like Dr. Phil™ has his hands in everything these days and anti virus and spyware removal tools are his top concern aside from pregnant teenage girls with attitudes. And that is why in late 2005 it's predicted he will release the Dr. Phil™ Anti Virus and Spyware Lecturing Program. Rather than remove the harmful software he will ridicule it and point out how blatantly harmful and annoying it is. Introspectively the Spyware will consider what it has learned and hopefully will decide to change it's ways while on television.

4. Oprah on the other hand has nothing to do with the internet.

While Oprah possesses the notable skill of being able to defecate on a piece of paper and get people to buy it, she does not have anything to do with the internet, do not look to her for support but instead for someone to tell you what books and information you should read and enjoy.

5. You did not win an iPod.

Sorry.

The road to enlightenment is paved with razor blades and death, but if you keep these steps in mind you're bound to not get cut by the proverbial rusty blades. Let us all rejoice.

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A public service announcement from Vince401!

Hello friends, we've had a lot of fun at the expense of Oprah and another very serious issue. Spyware may seem funny but it's not, if you know someone who has been infected or is tampering with Spyware it's your duty to help them, you wouldn't let your friend drive a car while intoxicated, why would you let them browse the web with spyware? Thank you for your time, have a safe evening.